The day was shaping up when she agreed to be my pseudo-date for Friday evening’s restaurant review of Tia Juana’s, the New Mexican joint in Ka’anapali. I was newly single, so I needed to be strategic when going out and about. Because we live on an island, everything you do or say is heard through the coconut wireless (a term I dislike almost as much as the saying, “You don’t lose your girlfriend, just your turn.”)

Did you hear about Chuck??!! Oh, my!

Like it or not, the coconut wireless is best described as anyone on the island that loves to share information about anything and everything having to do with anything and everything, besides themselves. It’s what Access Hollywood and the E Channel is based on. That being said, you need to always consider the company you carry and the actions you take when you’re in public. This includes but is not limited to the places you frequent, whom you’re with, and why you’re there – because everything will be reported through this coconut palm pilot to everyone else whether you like it or not.

Running into someone you didn’t expect to and saying, “Please don’t tell anyone you saw me here,” will be posted on Facebook before you’ve even been seated. You might get caught in awkward situations from time to time, like running into an ex while you’re on a first date with someone new, or having a nice meal with a potential friend with benefits only to find your server is a friend whose benefits were recently discontinued. Mayday, Mayday!

However, those who are savvy learn to use this to their advantage. Without giving out all my secrets just yet, one rule I will share is: If you’re going to go out, be seen as someone of value by keeping company with people who have values. “I saw your old boy or girlfriend out last night, he/she looks like their doing great,” sounds a lot better than, “Wow, I saw your old flame and what a mess!” which is why I was happy walk into TJ’s the other night with a beautiful girl on my arm.

Food Writer at Dinner

We headed for the bar and although I was on the job and had to have my wits about me to key into the vibe of the place, I still had the task of being a good date, even if it was only as friends. After all, most relationships start by meeting someone through a friend. So you’re always interviewing for a position. Hey, if you can’t be with the one you’re with, then hope they can hook you up with their hot friends. Referral biz, I call it.

So there we are, enjoying each others’ company, wanting all the sweet nothings to mean something, sipping on margaritas, laughing, making me think this date, real or not, is going swimmingly. Then the bartender begins showing some interest in my date, or friend, or whatever. He doesn’t know what we are!

Out of common courtesy, one could simply serve the drinks and move on until my glass is empty, but of course this is Maui and here we know everybody and we talk to everybody; we’re lovably open and we share our good vibes with all. When it comes to beautiful women, there will always be a lot of men vying for their attention. I know from experience that it’s best not to let them even get a foot in the door, especially while you are on a date with said woman.

So you need to learn tactics to defend against these situations. This is relationship warfare. On the outside it may look like eyes filled with stars and a head full of fireworks when smiles appear between two people. But every action, subconscious or not, either deepens your bond or tears the threads of that comfortable sweater we long to wear on those cold, lonely nights. This man was obviously trying to knit his way into my pseudo-date’s clothing collection and I had to act fast – and smart.

Disarm your opponent with his own force

Any action or reaction could either set me up for a great night or a, “he’s just a friend,” declaration from my date when the bartender next whispered in her ear. Thoughts ran through my head of past relationships where in similar situations things had gone awry by reacting the wrong way.

I looked at the bartender, my poker face was smiling, calculating, sizing him up. Knowing my own physical limitations, fighting wouldn’t work. Plus, it would be a little weird seeing how this was the first time my friend and I had spent any time alone outside of work. There were other cute girls in the immediate vicinity, I could work the reverse jealousy angle, but if she does like me and has no interest in the barman, then my goose is cooked. Just then my only martial arts training that I ever had kicked in.

Years ago I was browsing a bookstore in Southern California, and came across a very foreign section, “Fitness.” I pulled a random book from the shelf, “Aikido, in everyday life. Giving in to get what you want.” I flipped to a page and it read, “When an attacker comes at you, it is best to use their own energy against them and to save your own.”

Applied to the matter at hand, I realized the only energy my opponent was using were his words. I thought for an instant — I know if I talk enough I can screw anything up! Maybe he’ll do the same!

I excused myself to the restroom and said, as my hand kissed my friend’s lower back, “I’ll let you two catch up a little.”

I could see the questions running through her mind, “Why is this guy not threatened by another man’s advances on me? Pseudo date or not? Does he like another girl? Or is he just not that into me?”

As the evening ended and we walked down the stairs, I knew it was time to take action if I wanted a second date – lest the bartender slide his whole leg into the now opening door. At that moment, I noticed the bartender making his way over to say something.

“Did you want to say goodbye?” I asked her, motioning back up the stairs toward the perpetrator.
“No, he’s not really my type,” she smiled.
“Am I your type?” I asked. I figured I may as well see where I stood, the friend category is only a handshake away.
“We’ll see… when are we going out again?”
“I have to do a review on the new noodle place next week.”

To Be Continued…